Batman: The Beginning of Mary Sue
by MySignalFire
Summary: This is a MARY-SUE BASHER. Ooh lala! Watch her burn! In reviews, that is. No offense, but this is what we think when your Mary Sues pop up in those stories of yours... anyway...this is total and utter crack. COMPLETE crack. IDEK why it's up haha :P
1. Mary Will Bear Brucey's Babies

Ahahhaa.

I was bored and didn't find too many good Mary Sues in Dark Knights. Like.... you know, stuff you find in crap fiction.

I love Mary-Sues.

I like to wave at them as they pass by. Or as they die, whatever.

TA DA!!

Only one more week till my birthday. hehe.

---

Once upon a time in a place called Gotham city there was this dude called the Batman and his ultimate nemesis, the Joker, who, in the Christopher Nolan version, was actually Heath Ledger, had scars, and wore make-up. Clown makeup.

And although Heath Ledger is sexy by himself or as the Joker.... he's mine.

Whatever. I'll stop killing your joy.

Well, this girl with exquisite purple eyes (because Purple is probably the Joker's favorite color. Pshh.), perfect, always curled just-right brown hair, and fair white skin that glowed like a goddess was named Mercedes Cleopatra Sarafina. But most people called her Mary-Sue because they were totally insanely jealous of her awesomeness.

Her parents were raped then murdered by some guy named Bob, who changed his name to Johnathon Crane, who became the Scarecrow, who became Morgan Freeman, but no one cares because Morgan Freeman actually plays Lucius Fox, who's like, this good guy.

So Mercedes Cleopatra Sarafina/Mary-Sue (we'll call her MCS just because I'm too lazy to type. Blehh.) is this perfect person that we all wanna be. Duh.

I mean, she's MCS! With perfect legs and a perfect figure and a gorgeous pouty-face and high cheekbones and other stuff. And boobs. Unlike that one girl who played "Jocelyn" in Knight's Tale. O.o

And every guy who saw her fell in love with her. So, this one time, she sees Bruce Wayne's picture in the newspaper, and she's like "Oh my god. What a hottie! And he's rich, too! Oh my GOD I have to become HIS. He has to become MINE! We have to make beautiful BABIES!"

And of course, because she's so incredibly rich because of some inheritance she got when her parents died (HEY! Just like Bruce Wayne! Oh my God! WOWWWWW!), she's totally invited to this party Bruce throws. Just right then. Because he signed some deal with her parents' company.

When she got to Bruce's penthouse, wearing this amazingly beautiful silver gown that made her look more than just a goddess, because of course, MCS always looked like a goddess, all the guys' jaws dropped. Alfred had to get rid of his feelings a long time ago. He already knew that people would come after him for being a sexual pervert.

I always thought Alfred was cool, but you know. Some girls just have old men going. Look at that old 80-year-old guy with three girlfriends who are playboy playthings. Pshh. Like we need more of those.

OH WAIT, WE DO!!! THAT'S WHY WE HAVE MERCEDES CLEOPATRA "MARY SUE" SARAFINA!!! _I GET IT NOW!!!_

Anyway. So then this helecopter almost crashes into the penthouse because the pilot sees MCS and nearly dies of shock. Then Bruce Wayne steps off and runs to MCS and kisses her face a thousand times and says "Oh, my lady, be mine and I shall shower you with all I own."

And MCS is so smart, she just has to ask: "Oh, my Brucey-dearest: why must you use a helecopter? We all know, you haven't absconded with the entirer Russian Ballet yet in the Caribbean..."

And Brucey-dearest has to respond: "Ohhhh Mary Mary Mary Sueee! I did it to impress you! Just like all these men with high testosterone levels....and empty pockets."

--

TA-DAAAAA!!!

Don't get me wrong. I'm a Dark Knight addict. I just have to poke at those Mary Sues. Sorry if you wrote one, my hyper-sensitive children. Watch...and learn what NOT to do.


	2. The Love Triangle

Ha ha, I love reading your reviews.

They make me crack up.

Okay, okay – but I'd like to point out that _not all OC's are Mary Sues_. Can't stress that enough. Or just because an OC has an "affair" with a main character, she may or may not be a Mary Sue. It all depends on circumstances, and her character development, personality, traits, etc. You get it.

AHHH!!! I also noticed the spelling errors that I made last chapter. Sori fer ha baad speling.

...

I watched a movie – and it sucked so badly, I totally tried to (and did) forget the name. One of the main characters was a total Mary Sue. Which completely made me want to stuff her – and the scriptwriters – in a bottomless pit of acid.

And then I read some TDK Fanfics wherre the OC has an affair with the Joker, and/or Bruce Wayne, and/or Harvey Dent.

I don't think I'd mind if the OC was a _ton_ less Mary Sue, you know, perfect little princess, and if they only went for one or two main guys. Or none at all. Even if they did end up dating one or two (or even getting interest from one or two), all that I ask for is that the character gives one of the guys up (because, that's what happens in real life), and they both move on.

Even if it's an eventual thing.

Psh. That would make a story more realistic.

Anyway....... here we go!

--

Mary Sue burst into tears because no one had tried to impress her before.

Actually, they had, but she never cared. She only pretended that Bruce's party was the most important because – wait for it – she wanted to marry him. Ooh la la! How scandalous! And she wanted to carry his babies.

Hah. I'd wanna date the guy first.

Then again, this is the extremely intelligent and beautiful Mary Sue, who can do ANYTHING and it's... practical., I guess.

So Brucey-dearest and MCS (remember? Mercedes Cleopatra "Mary Sue" Sarafina? Yeah. MSC = abbreviation) kiss.

Oh, it was a slobbery, slobbery, lusty, full out kiss, tongues knotted, lips glued and ALL. No one clapped, because all of them – _all of them_ – wanted to be in Bruce's spot. Yes, even the women.

Mary Sue was sooooo intensely gorgeous that she changed all of the women's sexuality.

From that moment onward, they were either lesbian or bisexual. (NOTE: I LOVE HOMOSEXUALS. I AM RELATED TO A FEW. IF YOU ARE A HOMOPHOBE, PLEASE LEAVE. NOW.)

Suddenly, Rachel Dawes walked down the stairs from Bruce's bedroom, wearing one of Bruce's larger shirts, and nothing else. The shirt was long enough to cover her, you perverts!

Hahahaha.

She walked down the stairs, right? In the middle of this party? Where all the newly-bisexual, confused women were staring at Mary Sue and Bruce?

Rachel saw them making out and began to scream. "OH, I AM SOOO DUMPING YOU FOR HARVEY DENT!"

Bruce looked at her. "'Kay, bye. Go. Shoo. Away with you. Leave."

MCS was happy. Her competition was out of the way. Then again, could MCS ever really have any form of competition?

Oh, by the way, did I tell you? MCS is a seventeen-year-old. Bruce Wayne? He's like... thirty. THAT'S ILLEGAL!

But, of course, the law officials bent the law when the saw her perfect-ness.

Of course.

So typical.

Because Mary Sue can always get what she wants. She just has to show her pearly-whites and she's made for life.

Ha, ha. Lovely.

...

I like monkeys.

Except not. Except... well, idk. Monkeys are cool. (**•**_**•**)

Just a fun fact.

The next day, Mary Sue went skipping down the street and into Gotham First National Bank.

-Rewind-

As she skipped down the street, a huge car accident-thing happened. The drivers (one of them was this creepy old guy in a huge truck) saw Mary Sue and rolled down their windows singing verses of love before they crashed.

FIRE!!!!!!

-Fast Forward-

She skipped into the bank, where she saw a school-bus had crashed through a wall.

And there he was.

The Joker.

The Joker looked up, saw her, and dropped his gun. "Well, hello, beautiful!"

He walked up to MCS with his knife. "You look nervous. Is it the scars? Wanna know how I got 'em?" OMG! Just like with RACHEL! Wow, this Mary Sue does go through a helluva lot of déjà vu.

At any rate, Mary Sue started crying.

"Don't cry!" The Joker wiped her tears, slowly, then gave her his handkerchief. "You know? I think... I think that for the first time, I have found a true love. For the first time since my wife..." he sniffled. Because we all know the Joker is this emotional man.

"I don't think I wanna kill you. You're too beautiful."

MCS stopped crying.

"And guess what?"

"What?"

"I'm actually Heath Ledger! With prosthetic scars, green hair, and clown make-up!"

Mary Sue jumped for joy. Because she always wanted to date Heath Ledger. (NOTE: I LOVE HEATH LEDGER. SO IF YOU THINK THAT YOU WANNA FLAME HIM OR DISRESPECT HIM, LEAVE NOW.)

"Then let's be a couple!"

As they leaned in to kiss –

"Stop right there! This is MY girl!" They turned around. It was the Batman.

"What're you doing here? You're not supposed to be out in the morning! Look at the time, dumbass! And stay away from my girlie!" The Joker cackled.

"Oh, right."

Batman ran out.

Bruce Wayne ran in.

"Ahem.... THAT'S MY GIRL!"

"Oh no!" MCS looked up. "It's Brucey! And the Joker! And Batman apparently loves me too! What do I do?!"

She didn't know.

Then, she decided that she wanted to sing. Whenever she was sad, she would sing her heart out. Usually it was "My Favorite Things" from _The Sound of Music_, but then she decided that she needed to get with the times and find a new song.

She chose "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry. Because who DOESN'T like Katy Perry?

The Joker didn't.

But MCS's voice was so beautiful and bell0like that from that moment onward, the Joker collected various Katy Perry memorabilia.

Oh yes.

He became a fan. As did everyone else in the bank.

One woman found it so inspiring, that, in a later interview, she decided to kiss a girl. And she liked it.

I want food.

--

Haaah. Excited for chapter three?

Shhhhh, it's coming.

Aaaand, I'm gonna go watch _The Dark Knight_ on my iPod.

Ooh request: Please read my Dark Knight fanfiction! And don't say the female is a Mary Sue, because you have to see how the Joker hurt her. Ahaa, I can't wait to hurt her more. I'm so sadistic and cruel. I enjoy it. I probably have issues. But I'm too lazy to get them fixed :P

She hasn't even gotten a role yet. LOL. hehehehe


	3. Mary Meets Prince Caspian

SORRY for the lack of chapter update.

I've gotten a little lazy, and quite frankly, food is good. So that little munching period since last time? Yeah...well that's been going on and on and on and... I'll stop.

Oh, by the way, Happy Valentine's Day! Mary Sue definitely will be having a good one.

Again: don't complain to me about all OC's – not all of them are terrible. Some of them are amazingly written. I just dislike Mary Sues. I guess you could say I'm out there, but I'm a generally accepting person.

And: please read my other Dark Knight-related fics. There's one called "The Dark Knight" and another called "The Joker." I realize that in the first fic, the female seems like she has potential to be a Mary Sue, but I haven't had the chance to write her in properly (including how she's quite stupid and can't defend herself very well), so please bear with that and give me some feedback on both by reviewing them!

Kay, let's go.

--

The Joker heard sirens. "My love, it is time for me to go. I want you with me, I want _you_ more than I want you with me. No wait, that came out wrong." He thought for a minute. "Yeah, I want you more than I want you with me."

Mary Sue didn't care. _I'll change him_, she thought. _I'll make him a better man._ _He won't want to leave me._

"Come with me," said the Joker. "I'll buy you a hot harlequin jester costume and you can be the Harley Quinn to my Joker! Wait, I am the Joker... so you'd be Harley Quinn anyway."

"Okay!" Mary Sue was so happy, she skipped to the school bus with the Joker. It looked like she was flying. She was an angel. Of course she'd be flying.

Bruce looked crushed. "But Mary..."

"Don't worry, my love," she yelled to him. Somehow, something magical happened and only he could hear her. "I will come back for you. I love you and you alone!" He was happy. Because the Joker didn't hear anything, he was happy too, and he left with Mary Sue to some hidden place.

....

As they drove, suddenly a gigantic griffin-thing flew through the sky and stopped the school bus. And then, Prince Caspian jumped off.

"Is that Prince Caspian?" Mary Sue giggled. "He's a hottie! I want to marry him!"

The Joker looked annoyed. "The guy from Narnia? Isn't that a children's book?"

Mary Sue was still giggling. Finding only one option, the Joker shot at him. Prince Caspian deflected it with his sword.

The Joker pulled out a bazooka, but then Mary Sue stopped him, gravely serious. "If you hurt him, I will have to kill myself because I am a paragon of goodness."

Even though the Joker was a paranoid psychopath who killed daily without conscience due to mental incapacities and inclinations, he decided not to kill Mary Sue because she was just too perfect.

And Prince Caspian was happy, too.

--

Can't. Write. Much. Longer. On. Mary. Sue. Tonight. Or. I. Will. Rip. My. Hair. Out. Of. My. Head. And. Scream.

Sorry!

Chapter 4 up later, people.


	4. Bruce is a Vampire

All right, it's been forever but you people must keep reading! What happens to our beloved (wretched) Mary-poopoo?

I have had help with this chapter thanks to the amazing, the one and only, UNLEASH THE BATS! ( http : // www . fanfiction . net / u / 1045489 / ) I suggest you look at her lovely fanfictions RIGHT now.

Anyway.

To continue this story… we are introducing vampires.

MUAHHAAHHAHAA

--

Prince Caspian was happy. He wrote a book about his encounter, and it was extremely popular among the Munchkins of Oz.

While he was at a book signing, Mary Sue and the Joker decided to break in. Bruce Wayne jumped in to meet them, and he had another identity crisis.

He cried, "I WILL SAVE YOU!" Wearing his outfit but no mask.

"No, Bruce, no! They will know who you are!"

"Oh, my love, you've learned who I am!" Bruce fell on his knees and began to cry for the good Lord had revealed his secrets.

"I will not tell anyone. I am too good to be bought out!" Mary Sue kissed him and he felt alive again.

"I feel alive again!"

"Oh, my love, oh, it is too perfect." And Bruce ran out. Coincidentally, NO ONE heard anything.

Except.

For.

The.

Vampire.

LESTAT.

Who bit him. And then ran away screaming because he did not want to disrespect Anne Rice's wishes, and Anne Rice is God, so who wants to disrespect her? SHE WILL TAKE YOU AWAY FROM !

I am hungry.

Back to the story.

Bruce Wayne woke up three days later. Mary Sue was sitting at his bedside, even though, at the same time, she was stroking Joker's greasy hair and playing patty-cake with Prince Caspian and drooling over memories of Lestat.

She was crying at Brucey Baby's Bedside. She was singing "Womanizer" at his bedside.

"Oh Brucey, you are ALIVE!"

"Oh, my darling, I swore I will shower you with all I own and now I can! Because I am alive! Because of your beautiful angelic voice!"

"Ohhh Brucey!" And they shared a VERY slobbery kiss; as this occurred, the Joker gagged, and Prince Caspian shot himself in the you-know-where and then realized what he did and started to scream for his mother, except he sounded like his mother at that point and I think I'm going to go insane right now.

Anyway.

And Lestat did not return because Lestat is just too cool for you people. He's too busy with his too cool vampire friends who are too cool for you. (BTW this is not a Lestat basher. We love Lestat. If you hate Lestat, you can jump off a cliff. DO IT NOW! I am your God. Unleash the Bats is God, too. TAKE ITTTT!!!

Sorry. Had a moment. Inside joke. Your mother.)

And so we continue.

Bruce jumped out of his bed, because all of a sudden, vampire bites didn't mean much anymore, and though he was devoid of blood… Mary Sue's tears _healed_ him! "You're like Fawkes! The Harry Potter phoenix! Oh my lovely lovely LOVELY love! I want to –" And here he said something so inappropriate it would make this story beyond a rating of "M." We apologize.

Joker here spat out a series of terrible, terrible words, grabbed Mary Sue, kicked Bruce Wayne (we won't say where) and ran off. Then, they magically appeared in the middle of the Funhouse. "Joker, oh Joker, you MUST become a better man!"

"I thought you LIKED bad boys," he said, beginning to cry.

"Aww, look at him, wook at de wittow baby!"

"SHUT UP!"

Mary Sue began to cry.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry my love! You are perfect – I, I didn't. Nooo I made her cry! I am damned!"

And the Joker hung himself. And died.

And Mary Sue ran away because he committed the worst sin of them all – SUICIDE – and she was just TOO GOOD for suicide.

OOHHHHHHHHH *major gasp* HOW TERRIBLE!

WE KILLED THE JOKER!

*cries BIG wet tears of blood and it's all your fault, Mary Sue!*

--

I dislike bananas.

--

Almonds too.

--

Mary Sue then found Prince Caspian writhing in pain because he felt like he was a eunuch. To top it off, Jack Sparrow – ahem CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow – appeared, laughing, jumping, pointing at him, and singing about Jars of Dirt and eunuchs. He disappeared after that.

Then appeared again because he realized Mary Sue was there. And he wanted to laugh some more.

"Oh Baby! Wanna go to… Tortuga?" He waggled his eyebrows. "Hmm hmm?"

"You disgusting man!" Mary Sue was too perfect for that. But… "I will have sex with you! But because I am so amazing, I will still be a virgin afterward! Woooohooo!" And she jumped in a Party Bus with Jack and the now-eunuch Caspian, and drank a LOT but didn't get drunk.

Jack did.

And then they had fun.

But miraculously, no one paid attention! And so, her reputation was safe.

"Oh baby. Giselle, Giselle! I love Mary!" He disappeared.

And MSC (remember? That's Mary-Sue. Don't forget) then turned around to see Bruce there. In his underwear. "Let's partaayy!" She said.

Again she did the deed.

And again. She was still a virgin.

And now I might have to change the rating.

But still. This is MSC. We can let her have her fun because…

SHE IS JUST TOOOOOO PERFECT!

--

Okay, we're gonna go hunt down real Mary Sues and kill them… after we turn into vampires. If they're so perfect, their blood must be YUMMY!

Okay, see you lot later!

REVIEWWWWW!

Reviewing is helpful. And fun. And good.

And for us, it is the equivalent of blood.

Which means necessary.

Heh.


	5. Note to readers: UPDATING SOON!

Hey everyone –

I will be updating this within the week. IRL I have final exams – and haven't posted in a few months because of school. Rest assured, it will be up.

Love,

Lady Sparks


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